*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
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My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.