Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
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*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.