Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
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My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
the saddest jazz hands ever
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Bill is short for Billiam
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂
i dont have time for this
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah