Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Tell the people what she wore…

Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of

Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.

My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.

yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm

Her: Hi hun.

Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.

[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback

How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?

This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.

Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long

Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long

17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq

I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.

*Someone compliments me*

Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.

when the doctor brings med students into your exam

[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]

There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.

Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

god: here are the animals

man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes

Hub: What’s this?

Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.

Hub: *puts $100 in*

Me:…

I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.

My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.

I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.

Leaving my son at college

Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning

Husband: Love ya bud

My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.

ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?

A bear went into a bar.

“I’d like a whiskey…….

and coke.”

Bartender asks “why the long pause?”

Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.

To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing