Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
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*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.
You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
hackers play passwordle
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
You’re never alone. Theres mold
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind