Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
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Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
My first son he is wonderful
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Me: I like reading funny jokes and watching cat videos
Twitter algorithm: Here’s someone getting run over by a car and people arguing about politics
If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.