Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
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ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.