Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
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her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
