Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
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I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no