Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot

In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.

Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.

I’m totally failing parenting

I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often

I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out

Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.

Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]

MOVING IS AWESOME

I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE

OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL

So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.

I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.

Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.

I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.

My beach vacation Google searches

Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.

looking for a job in america is kinda wild

Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.

i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know

I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?

*lights cigarette

Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.

*gives date flowers*

Here. I murdered these plants for you.

Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.

I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.

“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.

Fly wife: Notice anything?

Fly husband: …

Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut

It’s cool, I don’t know why I’m still talking either.

Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.

boss: what is the problem

coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus

me: he peddles falsehoods

I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.

I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!

*regional mathematics tryouts*

Judge: what is 2+2?

Me: can you use it in a sentence?