Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
You Might Also Like
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.