Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
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ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?