foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
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prepare for carbonated trouble
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Merica.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
🤣😂🤣😂
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*