Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions

[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone

I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.

My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately

Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair

Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.

same bro

*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF

*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR

*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY

Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.

My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.

[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—

oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶

me: aaaah… darn. darn it.

a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.

I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect

To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 

I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts

Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.

When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”

Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?

This has made my week.

When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia

5yo: We should get her two gifts

Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.

5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.

Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?

15: The tears of my enemies…

Kids are fun.

What’sApp

Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …

*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*

Mom: Fish, honey!

When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself

” What would Homer Simpson do?”

I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”

ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife

ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad