Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale

TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them

you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired

[emptying spam]

ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?

My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week

My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.

My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave

a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.

NOBODY:

GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*

We’re not out of the woods yet.

Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.

Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.

Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.

Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.

Ok, but like, how married are you?

4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!

VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”

I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…

I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.

Corn Dogs: Uninserted

I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious

Me: Will you marry me?

Her: No

Backing singers: She said no! she said no!

Me: Not now

My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”

I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂

ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.

They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot

When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…

Just parrot things

Me: My book was translated for the UK.

Wife: They speak English.

Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.