Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.

Overheard at the hardware store today …

Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.

Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?

Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.

Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.

STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S

Rachel is KIND

Monica is NURTURING

Joey is CONSIDERATE

Phoebe is TALENTED

Ross

Chandler is FUNNY

“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying

Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.

I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.

How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are

Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’

[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch

Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.

I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.

Not at all I replied.

Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.

[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three

“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”

-women wearing uggs

Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.

Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.

Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!

Cat: I just want to be friends.

According to the Internet:

Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.

PS4
– Cures cancer.

yes… yes…

Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*

I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.

6YO: Can I eat a cookie?

Me: Finish your dinner first

6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space

My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?

Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”

Her: I don’t know the future

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?

Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?

I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.

Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.