Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
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Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
weaknesses
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.