Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.

I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.

My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.

Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.

Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage

I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.

You do you.

I’m gonna do me.

*married sex

Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?

What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car

IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.

My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014

I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.

Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg

Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf

I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.

My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.

Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.

me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—

whoville 911: what was that

me: the grinch robbed me

whoville 911: no the weird part

Yeah. This was me today.

Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.

There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.

My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?

CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless

Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right

*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*

Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.

To whom it may concern,

My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.

Many thanks

“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink

[in hell]

Me: omg is that melted cheese

Satan: no it’s lav-

Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot

When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.

Difficult, not impossible