Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]

JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty]

[Jesus and God hi-5]

When you put it that way… 😂

cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes

boxer: but there’s SO many eyes

mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*

Doctor: How your diet?

Me: My what now?

Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can

Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!

ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.

GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.

ANGEL:

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-

you’re damn right i have

Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.

{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.

Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.

[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS

A group of owls is called a flight of stares.

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news

ME: can you tell me what it is

DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared

Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.

Nobody:

Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.

If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer

My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.

Same pineapple, same

Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?

Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir

No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon

Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?

Him: Dude you were there

(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread

Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!

If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.

nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale

Women have all the answers to all your questions.

And you don’t even have to ask.

I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.

Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?

Me: <makes bigg sale>