Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.

doctor: your body is weak. take care of it

mobster: got it

[later, gun to his chest]

mobster: doctor sends his regards

[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year

Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.

No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.

ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?

BRIDE: I said NO.

Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx

Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.

Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!

Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!

Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!

“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag

[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?

“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*

“It was me. I shit on the rug”

[kitchen]

SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.

GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]

WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇

*links to story on mainstream media site*

Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.

[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN

Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?

Me: cause you’re a pessimist!

Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.

Him:*laughs nervously*

Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial

Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.

I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”

Job interview…

HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.

If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.

When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”

[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home

passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture

incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED

*carves turkey

*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.

On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?

*drops off box to Salvation Army*

“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”

*peels out*