[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
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STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.