Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??

compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point

The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.

Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”

*takes my split ends to couples counseling*

*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?

Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.

To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.

3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.

Me: Okay—

3: And bite people.

Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.

My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.

[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years

I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.

Me: Your wifi isn’t working

Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!

Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder

writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound

Boss-You’re Always the first one here!

Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?

*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting

NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??

We’re having leftover pizza.

5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?

Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born

5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool

I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?

Me: my student loans

Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?

Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.

Wife: Me either. We are getting old.

Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.

Wife: What do you mean-

[Kids start imitating hyenas]

-nevermind.

How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?

[christmas]

BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!

ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.

This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.