Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.

This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.

Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?

Wife: do you even know his name anymore?

Me: yes wife of course I know his name.

Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?

Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?

Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.

Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.

Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.

Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe

My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..

We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.

[blind date]

Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.

Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*

Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency

Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party

Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍

COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?

ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average

Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge

Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.

There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to

Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make

[my deathbed]

Kid: Mom where are my shoes?

I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”

i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert

if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”

When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.

Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care

the simulation is moving too fast

Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.

Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.

It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.

REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home

ME: how many points do I need for that

[8 eating some chips]

8: Can I eat the whole bag?

Me: No, just the chips that are inside