Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*rides off into the sunset*

*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*

*rides off into the sunset*

Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two

I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.

Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.

Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old: The dog.

When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.

[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago

Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full.

Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:

I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.

I call it my jingle bell rock.

I just released my own fragrance.

Now everyone in the car is pissed off.

Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.

sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel

Me: I need one washer for the sink

Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces

My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product

BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width

Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!

I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”

The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.

Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.

[steps on scale]

Me *shrugs*: New year, more me

Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.

If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??

me: cheeseburgers are better than sex

her: maybe you’re doing it wrong

me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon

her: I meant sex

me: me too