Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time

i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before

Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.

There is a football player named Drew Sample?

He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.

The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”

Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.

Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.

Gravy boats are the opposite of boats

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.

I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!

2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary

2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement

“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”

Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.

Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal

“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew

Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.

me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief

also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom

I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.

He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.

[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what

More like “science UN-fair”

*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*

*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon

[cat and dog meet for negotiations]

Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.

Cat: *smiles*

Dog: Oh no.

Ladies time to start dating the older dudes

They can get you in the grocery store earlier

*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*

Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —

Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?

If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.

70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”