Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.

imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”

if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda

I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.

Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths

Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes

When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home

My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass

me: do you take walk-ins

dude at the crematorium: what

Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.

so, is there a mister shapen head

There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.

Except for a broken foot.

Then you should see a doctor.

Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing

MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss

YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.

ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.

Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.

Me: Okay.

I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.

I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”

My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.

day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet

I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.

every man in east london

Them: You need to get a sense of humor.

Me: You need to say something funny.

A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.

Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?

Yes.

I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?

CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator

I’m dying louder than usual today.

*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please

Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?