Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice

Me: What’s your favourite book?

Her: Well, I love 1984

Me: Ok, but just choose one.

Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.

*aggressively waits in line*

Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time

I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it

Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano

Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”

People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.

[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:

[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.

Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.

Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.

Me: Just get in.

If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey

“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.

How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?

Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.

Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour

7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?

ME: he’s a NASA scientist

In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again

You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?

[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.

I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.

If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine

my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)

Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts

*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them

Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”

Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”