Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

scrabbled eggs

My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.

Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?

DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now

My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.

Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.

Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.

WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.

THERAPIST: Is this true?

PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES

It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.

Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.

“Is white wine all you have?”

No, I can do any

Plant care tips

my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi

When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.

ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!

CLERK:

ME: Store credit, then?

Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas

My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped

I am never leaving this website

“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”

Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.

Me: pass me that cup

Kid: *gives me cup*

Me: I didn’t say simon says haha

[Later]

Me: PASS… MY… INHALER

Kid: not falling for that again

Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does

My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.

Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.

I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.

Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?

-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.

Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.

[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?

[typing ellipses for a solid minute]

HER: yes

Fidel Castro was alive?