[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
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*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo