Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
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“I’d like to speak with a manager”
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.