Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?

The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.

Facebook marketplace is a different world

For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about

*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym*

*wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*

I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.

the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts

me, a police sketch artist: is this him?

witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?

Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?

Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

another case of gang violins

These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.

[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord

Me: beware the clyde of march

Clyde: I’m standing right here

Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)

My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.

How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?

Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle

I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.

Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.

INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]

I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.

If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it

My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.

Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.

👍

Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.

The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.