Forever 21… pounds overweight
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My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Him: I need advice.
Me: (eating red velvet cake for breakfast) You came to the right person.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
that’s really how it is
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
opening twitter today
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”