Forever 21… pounds overweight
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What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room