They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
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Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
that de-escalated quickly
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”
Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.