@sammontgomery

Forever 21… pounds overweight

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@CarolineCasey

We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.

@XplodingUnicorn

My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.

Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.

@BrainFumbles

They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.

@ladybroseph

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

@msevilroyslade

Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.

@MaraWritesStuff

Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.

Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.

@flashember

the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery

@NewDadNotes

Cellmate: what did you do?

Me: robbed a bank.

Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.