Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
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If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
When the stylist spins you back around
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
*reindeer smoking in interrogation room*
…*exhale*…
…Old broad was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Me at my 225th rodeo:
“What the hell is going on?”
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no