Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
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The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
bridal shower ok. baby shower, sure. but what we really need is unemployment showers – imagine you get laid off or quit your job and you throw a party and all your friends have to bring you gifts
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
He’s dead
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
I think my mom just blocked me
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry