Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
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If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?