Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭

[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.

“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”

Crowd: “NEIGH!”

“Jesus Christ.”

Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.

doing your own taxes

10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”

If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.

Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.

[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happened

bad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK

passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best

When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…

Maybe there is a secret third thing

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”

wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is

I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:

I once had a tweet go bacterial.

There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want

“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”

I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.

My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.

You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.

nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing

When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.

it is time once again

You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped

My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.

It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.

Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it

Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!

They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that

“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”

me, to the collection agency

Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.