“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
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[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
[Me watching football on TV]
Oh man this reminds me of high school
Her: you played football in high school?
Me: no, I watched TV
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art