“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
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My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose