“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
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Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes