Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
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Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
new career option?
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.