Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball

If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb

Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run

Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.

My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro

it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside

the council will decide your fate

You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof

As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.

anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer

you want me to attend a work meeting? the thing that killed Julius Caesar?

Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.

The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”

I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

Guy about to invent balloons:

I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!

Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?

me: i lost my luggage.

airport worker: did you carry on?

me: *sigh* how can i?

Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.

[2 years and 250 boxes later]

Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.

Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.

Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home

ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.

HIM: What?

ME: What?

[first day in the Coast Guard]

Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!

Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.

5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath

INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]

Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good

Me: am I going to die?

Doctor: without treatment, yes

Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?

Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice

Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell

Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”

Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.

NO

ONE’S

IN..

COURT LIKE GASTON

LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON

WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON

I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.