Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
You Might Also Like
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
My age is news to me every single time I remember
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Worst bar ever.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.