Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.

I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.

[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]

Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?

Wife: what?

Me, louder: I’m going to the bank

Wife: what?

Me: I’M LEAVING YOU

Wife: ok

My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma

Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”

If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning

“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”

My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?

[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR

ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher

*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*

TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.

Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.

8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.

I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.

Meanwhile in Portland…

No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.

occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt

If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?

You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.

says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”

“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

“No problem, Alan.”

classic mixup

Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying

Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?

Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!

Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.

[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice