forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
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I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Husband: Why can’t you ever be serious?
Me: *olives on all my fingers* Because olive you
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
i like to flex on them by shrugging
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used