forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
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Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
4 year old: I had a nightmare
me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real
4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise
me: *terror rising within me* no way
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
*files a restraining order against reality*
I try
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.