Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
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You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
The whole “Hugs, Not Drugs” campaign was so stupid because, back when I did drugs, I can assure you, there was so much hugging going on…
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
is this how new cars are made??
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
ME: is he always this quiet
WIDOW: *sobs harder*
Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Gemma Correll
