Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
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Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200