Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there

Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this

Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords

Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.

I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”

[interview]

What’s your greatest weakness?

ME: Probably avoiding tough questions

Can you elaborate on that?

ME: Oh hey look at the time!

Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”

10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”

Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”

wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???

me: i’m over in the cereal.

wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.

me: *whispers* open the box.

My biological clock is wheezing.

*learning CPR*

CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.

Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.

I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.

[me on Ellen}

Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions

Me: that’s right Ellen

*opens twitter*

*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*

*closes twitter*

Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore

*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*

“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life

Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?

Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?

Me: Probably not.

Friend: PROBABLY?

Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.

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The Chosen Phew

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today

ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?

WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao

Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.

Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table

When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter

Whoever ordered a white Christmas and had it shipped via FedEx, it’s finally out for delivery.

me: are you telling me how to raise my children?

necromancer: trying to, yeah

BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.