Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.

I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.

I can’t figure out why my son hates me.

Tim hates you?

No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”

[first day as a server]

guy: “can i order something off-menu?”

me: “well, that is how menus work sir”

[first day as a director]

me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup

Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”

If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.

Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.

the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there

BREAKING: NYPD has located the tunnel the assassin used to escape the city but found it to be merely a painting on a brick wall and smashed up several squad cars upon trying to enter it

angel: what should zebras look like?

god: completely innocent

angel: ok

god: they could do no wrong

angel: got it

god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar

Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood

me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”

friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”

me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”

I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.

I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’

“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”

– Ludacris steps on a land mine

I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.

A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.

4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear

date: so what do you do?

me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall

All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.

If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.

A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave

Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?

Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.

massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it

You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke

The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am

5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland

Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it

5: You should just send me