Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
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Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.
“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Boss: you’re late
Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court
Boss: I hate you
Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.