Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
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When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.