Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.

It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!

Humans are creative.

Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.

Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator

THAT is an influencer

H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep

Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.

GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.

Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.

worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone

YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*

My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.

Thanks, royal baby.

My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.

Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??

Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done

Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden

Antelope: o no

Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want

Antelope: omfg

Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”

[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why

DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN

ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues

DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun

8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me

changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded

How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?

Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.

So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay

my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails

me: yes

my brain: are you ever going to read them?

me: no

my brain: then delete them

me: no

Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.

Me: Okay.

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.

Him: I’m an English teacher

Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control