Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.

I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”

I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”

Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs

It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.

When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station

Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

Owls are just nocturnal pug birds

Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!

Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.

Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.

2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.

ok this is getting ridiculous. it can’t just be the one guy. it’s gotta be a group of people pooping my son’s diaper

I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”

Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.

In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.

Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM

Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.

I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything

ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again

[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]

Me: No

Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”

If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.

Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?

Him: …

*peeks under bathroom stall*

Did you hear me?

A plastic surgery slogan:

Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either

I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.

Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.

Her: Does your dog do any tricks?

Me: I taught him to lie on the bed

Her: That’s not impressive lol

Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter

I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.

[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen