Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
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I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Basically, any European coat of arms:
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know
me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–
person: *losing interest*
me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
The devil.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late