Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
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A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Perfection.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.