Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
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Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE