Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit

Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.

tinder profile where the fish is holding me

The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.

I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.

R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)

i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport

If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.

What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?

Deceased

If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.

please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer

brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]

*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”

At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.

I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old

*winks*

Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.

Hug your kids as often as possible.

They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock

A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.

tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home

If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.

buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue

I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore

Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)

My Dad: No!

Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up

Years Later

My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)

My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”

Going to church you guys need anything

Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.

millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.

Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?

Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.

[first day as life guard]

guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!

me: *moving my arms* like this but in water

We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’