Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
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Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Those are NOT normal gifts
-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.