Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
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Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
lost dog
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.