Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
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Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.She looked me in the eye and said….
“I’ll visit you”
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.