Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
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The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*
*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it