Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
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If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
sugar glider wrangler
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do