@abhorrent_wife

Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.

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@Dustinkcouch

interviewer: what makes you want to be a firefighter?

me: a fire killed my dad

interviewer: i’m so sorry

me: don’t be. i will have my revenge

interviewer: you want to kill the fire that killed your father?

me: no. i’m not an idiot.

interviewer:

me: i’m gonna kill its dad

@InternetHippo

Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit

@Molly_Kats

What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?

@krisv_723

You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.

@casablankstare

Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw

@McClaneJohn2

My entire work day has just been me moving the mouse so the screen doesn’t go to sleep.

@ItsAndyRyan

Vampire school
Me: I just sunk my teeth into the first guy I saw on the street
Teacher: I’m afraid that’s a bit pedestrian

@fro_vo

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

@portmanteauface

bathroom

– crude
– played out
– may not even contain a bathtub

lavatory

– sophisticated
– continental
– may contain lava?

@WittySassBasket

He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’