Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
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My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
[Wine tasting]
Do you have anything in a 24 Pepsi?
— Benny 'Last Man' Rollins (@citizenkawala) December 14, 2024
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Trying to explain to a patron that because of their behavior they’ve been asked to leave the library.
“I did leave the library,” they say.
“Yes, but then you turned around and came right back in. You can’t just respawn.”
Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?
No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free.
And cake free.
OK it’s just rum
Husband at lunchtime: Shall I make..
Me: Yes.