Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
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I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
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[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
brian had himself a morning…
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Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
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I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?