Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
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flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
waiting for halloween be like:
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
brian had himself a morning…
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
*limbos away from your hug*
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Chicago sounds lovely.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.