Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
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Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Now colored!
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”