Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
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[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Inside you there are two wolves
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dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Alexa: *deep breath*
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When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
🍛
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BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
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If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive