Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
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Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
I think this might be relevant today.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.