Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
You Might Also Like
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.