Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
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Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Science is fun!
#nottrue
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?