Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.

If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.

i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.

Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.

*me flirting

There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.

I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am

I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.

To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.

My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be

Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk

“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”

I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this

Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.

CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.

The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.

i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it

My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.

A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter

*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*

Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.

I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.

Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic

If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D

Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”

Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”

Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”

me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?

friend: lawn mower?

me: no, i want lawn lesser.

ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor

FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?

ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer

Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?