Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
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[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
⛄️
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
GPS randomly stopped working on my phone this morning. Have accepted that I live here now. In the woods. Two blocks from home.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs